Attention, Canadians! Look out your window. It's quiet out there. Too quiet. But don't be deceived. The Nazis are out there, and they're heading your way! The excitable CBC headline reader says so. The Globe And Mail says so. The Belleville Intelligencer says so. Top political strategist Warren Kinsella says so. And so does Richard Warman, the country's leading human rights activist and a man committed to hunting down every Nazi website poster in Canada except himself.

What do these Nazis look like? Knuckle-dragging skinheads with swastikas? Not always. Using the same shape-shifting techniques as the giant space lizards of the House of Windsor, the new Nazis are now headed by a sinister figure known only as "The Brown Guy", leader of an army of "Brownshirts" estimated to be in the million billion trillion bazillions. And all that stands between them and the express lane of the 401 are brave men like Mr Warman, bestsuing author of How To Use Words Like N**ger And C*nt For Fun And Profit. From yesterday's CBC "World Report":

ALISON CRAWFORD (REPORTER):

Richard Warman is an Ottawa lawyer who has won more than ten human rights cases against people who preach hate against mostly gay, Jewish, black and aboriginal people.

RICHARD WARMAN (HUMAN RIGHTS LAWYER):

There are, you know, many regimes set up to control conduct in our society administratively, whether they're labour laws or whether they're environmental laws that don't necessarily cross in criminal threshold, that they're still there to regulate normal conduct.

That's right, folks. If we don't let the government "regulate normal conduct", Canadians risk losing their ancient time-hallowed liberties dating all the way back to the days of King Pierre the Rightsgiver (or, in German, der Rightsfuhrer). And once the government regulation of "normal conduct" has been swept away, the new Nazi regime will impose horrible Nazi policies, like opposition to the Iraq war.

How can Canadians avoid the fate of waking up in a Nazi tyranny in which invading Iraq is illegal? Well, one way is to make sure you get your "normal conduct" regularly regulated. You can do this by making an appointment with your doctor. There's a two-year waiting list, but they'll get to you eventually. A quicker way to stand up to the Nazi thugs is to buy Warren Kinsella's new all-star fundraising CD, featuring Warren, Richard Warman, Lucy Warman, Richard Warman, Richard Pieman, Richard Warman, the Warman Sisters and the Warman Tabernacle Choir:

Springtime for Hitler and Canada
Nazis are happy and gay
This land will be a downer place
This time they've got a browner face...

Would the CBC and The Belleville Intelligencer lie to you?